Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I'm a Basketcase

There is no nice or easy way to put this, I'm a basketcase right now. I'll warn you this blog has information I'm sure you want to know, but at the same time it is very blunt and emotional. Not really sure how much of the emtoinal part is the fact that I'll be 25 weeks this Thursday meaning I'm in the 3rd trimester of my pregnancy and I'm hormonal and how much is the fact that this is just a stressful thing we're going through.

So most of you know that Joe did not get the Prattville job. We talked and prayed and finally decided the best option for our family is to move to Greenville. I will quit working and stay at home with the three kids. We have to move because we can not afford for me to stay home and Joe continue to work in Greenville while continuing to live here. Okay, sounds easy enough right, wrong. We have to sell our house before we can move. No one is buying houses right now. Who knows how long our house could be on the market. I will have to quit working when the baby comes because I was going to have to ask to not take a vacation for the next 5 years to get my maternity paid for. So I can not get paid for that time only to quit when the house sells. So we prayed and talked about it all weekend and decided, yes, this is what we are doing. We are moving to Greenville and I will quit working either when the house sells or the baby comes (due October 14th), whichever happens first. The next step was telling Keith (my boss) and Erica (the lady that keeps the girls during the day). This scared me almost more than the idea of selling the house because at some point or another I had told both of them that I would be around for a long time. And now I can't even give them a definite last day. So in reality either one of them can tell me at any point between now and October 14th that a certain day needs to be my last day or the last day for the girls so that they can do what is best for them. My conversations went okay with both of them, but I still went home and cried. I had the job of telling the two people who definitely never wanted to hear this news. In the back of my mind one of the main things that was keeping me calm was the idea that I could take out my retirement when I quit and that money could hold us over until the house sold. Without this money or some money when I quit we will not have enough to live of off until we sell the house and move. Well I have been talking to the retirement people today and I have been told that I can not have the money until after December 31, 2010. This does me no good. There is no way we will be able to survive for 3+ months if we have not sold the house. Of course I started balling again, as I'm doing right now. So why am I writing this out there for the whole world to see, well I can't get Joe on the phone and like I said I'm a basketcase. Today has been worse than yesterday because I just knew that money would be there to help us out. I've written back asking if there is anything at all that we could do or sign that would help me get that money early, but I have not gotten a response back. Everyone that we have talked to about moving has been great and supportive, but at the same time in trying to figure out all the details I'm tired of being told "it will all work out." I know it will. (I told you I was being blunt, I'm crying and have no idea how we are going to work it out). I know every person that has said that has meant well, and I really don't mean to be ugly but they are not three months away from adding another person to their family with no clue how they are going to pay for it. I know God will take care of us, he always has, but I'm scared to death right now because I don't know how he is going to do it. I know we are still three months out and a lot can happen in three months, but I'm seroiusly at my emotional limit. I can not take anything else. This is the biggest decision we have ever had to make and I have no clue if this is the right one. Deep down we are both okay with and really feel that it is what is best for our family, but at the same time I feel it should be easier. I feel like I should not have to cry every day over this. I toss and turn at night thinking about this and that. I've cried the whole time I've written this blog and just don't know how to deal with it all.



Amanda Mathis said...

I am saying a special prayer for you and for Joe.

Amanda Mathis said...
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